How To Make Men Love You

"How To Make Men Love You (Take The Money And Run)"
by Cheryl Asico

PREFACE:
Men are like butter. If you want them to pan out, you better melt 'em or smash 'em. And you know they taste delicious with wine!

Really though, when you get a hankering for a man, how many body parts are you thinking of? What do you have to do to get what you want? How much effort? How much time? How many lipsticks do you go through before you realize all you wanted was a decent man who didn’t care?

Oh darling, you worry too much.

But who knows how far the modern man is willing to go for the goods? Or the bads? I suppose the socialite in you thinks it all really just depends on how thick your high heels are or how short your skirt is. And maybe that quiet housewife in you constantly wonders if it's just seeing how much you can take. And that teenager in you thinks that love is a feast where the leftovers never go bad and the only important word in your vocabulary is "want."

Or maybe it just takes some good sassy nerve. And, let me tell you, girl, I’ve got plenty.

I suppose you have to wonder how that nervous system works anyway. You wonder if the men in your life have a spine sometimes, because they don’t move when you want them to. They don't take you dancing and they only get off the couch for beer, booty or the bathroom. But you know they've got themselves a vocal chord because you can see that bulge in their neck and they never stop talking when they should and can burp and grunt like their mama ain't home.

I wear hoop earrings and I hear football. I wear a pretty blouse and I hear cars. I could wear a dress until it disintegrated off my body and I’d still only hear about Burger King.

That was the old days for me though.

Maybe you're still living with medieval era, waiting for your white knight. I did too once. But all this that I'm talking about is from my dark ages. Did I mention that I’ve got boys taking me to movies, men taking me to mansion parties and sugar daddies taking me out on their yachts these days?

Oh, I didn’t?

Well, it’s a good thing you bought this book, honey.

Because I'm gonna get you some.

I'm gonna make it so all you have to do is blink and you're getting foot rubs from three college boys. You're gonna sigh and your high school sweetheart is gonna beg for you back, with a new letterman jacket that he stole of his athletic son (who also wants you). You're gonna snap your fingers and a millionaire is gonna steal you away to a country that you can't even pronounce.

"What is it? Pastila? Partstrili? Where the hell are we? Oh, it don't matter. There's a 20-year-old boy with abs flatter than that kooky ethnic food they served me for breakfast. Oh, and palm trees and a sunset that looks like a margarita? Daaaaaaaaamn," you'll say as you admire your own bikini.

You'll have legs like Tina Turner and arms like Ike. Nobody's gonna ever see another woman love/beat men harder.

"You ever seen smoother legs?" you'll ask yourself when no one's around, groping yourself with lotion, listening to a techno song nobody else can hear.

You ever eaten off of strong man's stomach, a cut man's chest or a buff man's butt? Listen, sweetheart, you're gonna. Throw away those good plates. I found you something better. I mean, why have good China when you can have a good man from China?

All it takes is a few easy shakes to get a few easy steaks.

Maybe with some butter.

And some garlic mashed potatoes. And a dinner salad with blue cheese. And a basket full of some goddamn dinner rolls.

Damn, I’m hungry.