I Am Such A Bitch

"I Am Such A Bitch"
by Katherine Heigl

AN EXCERPT:
I'm not exactly sure how you keep working in Hollywood, but on strategy, I figure, is to talk shit on every person I've ever worked with.

You know, I spent years working with Shonda Rimes and her show Grey's Anatomy, but whatever, the show's gotten dumb. It's not that I'm a terrible actress. It's totally not. It's just the writing is subpar.

And then, after all the cool kids thought I was a bitch, I decided to work with the extremely popular Judd Apatow for his movie Knocked Up. But then, I thought, "Hey, seeing as how I'm a celebrity and I should care about things, why not bash the shit out of the guy who just put me in one of the most successful movies of the year?"

I mean, everyone was calling Knocked Up sexist, and I don't want to be ugly and unpopular. So yes, out of nowhere, after I read the script, auditioned for the part, filmed the entire movie and did all the promotion for the film...I decided to talk shit on Apatow and everything about the movie I was just in, as if I had no idea that's what the movie was about.

"What? Knocked Up is a movie about a woman getting pregnant by a loser and she's pissed about it? Unbelievable. I thought it was a documentaries about fairies and stock car racing. I'm really sorry everyone I owe nothing to. Please don't hate me. I just want to be a cheerleader in the hip crowd of Hollywood," I told every single magazine that would listen to me. Oh, I would just go on and on about how Apatow tricked me like some kind of wizard. Him and his crew of freaks and geeks and magicians cast a spell on me! And they only did it because I was a woman! What else was I supposed to do besides complain to every single magazine, from Vanity Fair to People. The media had to hear what I wanted to say.

And why wouldn't they? I'm Katherine "Bonkers" Heigl.

Now that I think everyone is realizing that I'm not actually a feminist, but just an attractive girl that complains about men, I might not score all those acting gigs I thought were waiting for me. So, after talking mad shit on the show that has basically launched my career, I've decided to publicly act like a Hollywood veteran and be generous enough to stay on and with the program.

Even though I'm a total feminist who says women shouldn't be portrayed as anything less than deep creatures of intense intellect, I will still continue to make brain-dead romantic comedies about casual sex and pose for magazines covering my boobs with my hands.

How does everyone not see that I'm the most grateful feminist ever?

God, I Am Stupid

"God, I Am Stupid"
by LeAnn Rimes

AN EXCERPT:
I know what you're thinking, "Wow, how could you be so stupid, LeAnn? You're on the heels of a slight comeback as one of the world's most adorable and lovable country-pop singers and you had an affair in public."

Well, I'm here to set the record straight. I'm not stupid. I just make really, really, really, really stupid mistakes. I mean, sure, maybe I shouldn't have been making out with my co-star when we weren't on set, and in a public, crowded restaurant in Hollywood. It's almost like I was so randy that I couldn't wait for the bedroom. We had to kiss at the table like we were 14-year-olds looking to get to second base at a Marie Calendar's because we have nowhere else to grope. Or a senior citizen couple that polite kisses after each bite. Looking back on things, I should've waited until we were out of the restaurant.

You know what? The more I think about it, the more I think that yes, I am incredibly, incredibly, incredibly...stupid.

Also, you know what else is really stupid? My shoes on the cover of this here book. And my face. It looks like I farted and I'm waiting for you to figure out it was me.

Oh God, My Forehead Is Too Big

"Oh God, My Forehead Is Too Big"
by Robert Pattinson

AN EXCERPT:
Oh God, my head...it hurts. Seriously, it feels like Dumbo is sitting on the crows in that movie. Dumbo, I think it was called. And I guess I'm one of the crows. Kind of like that other movie...The Crow. Remember how dark and brooding that character was? Remember how I'm so dark and brooding all the time? Remember Twilight? Remember how dark, brooding and complex I was in that movie? Your daughters think I'm the new Johnny Depp.

In fact, my forehead is effin' Johnny Deep. My forehead will probably be longer than my career.

My face hurts though. It's like Kristen Stewart's ego sat on me. Sure, she's a little stick figure, but her ego is so awful big. She didn't even try acting in Twilight. She just flopped around like a fish being electrocuted. I flopped around like a fish once. I was on a girl, and I was trying to impress her. We were fooling around. And then I rested my head on her head and she went into a coma. A sexy coma.

Damn, I've got a migraine again. I think my head's going to explode. Call a doctor! Call Dr. Acula! Get it? Because I was a vampire once? Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm going blind!

Yep, I'm Hitting That...Me, Ryan Adams

"Yep, I'm Hitting That...Me, Ryan Adams"
by Ryan Adams

AN EXCERPT:
I didn't think that one book was enough to make you jealous, so I wrote another one. I write books like songs, one after another. Some good, some bad. Whatever. I write songs. And books. And see clouds. I see clouds one after another. I saw a lizard once. I stomped it because it called me pretentious. No, I'm not crazy. I'm just famous.

Oh, and I put my name in blue just to be ironic.

Ryan Adams Rules

"Ryan Adams Rules"
by Ryan Adams

AN EXCERPT:
Look, idiots, I rule.

I mean, I just scientifically proved that if you act as weird and stupid as you want, as brainless and careless and reckless as possible, jump in and out of trends, act tortured and diseased, and even look like Harry Potter for a solid year, you can not only bang Mandy Moore, but you can marry her.

That's right. I married Mandy Moore.

How awkward do you think I can make those wedding photos? I'll probably just look off to the side, not even at the camera. I haven't looked directly into a camera for a couple months now. All my weirdo friends will be there, but they won't be socialites like Mandy's friends. My friends are drunks and drug-users. They got it hard. One of them ate a live moth once because they were attracted to the same light.

I'll probably sober up for the wedding night, so I can remember what it feels like to win.

And then when she falls asleep, I'll probably just drink whatever's under the sink and write a song on my acoustic guitar in the bathtub about how hard I have it.

I'm so deep, I'll probably drown if I think too hard. Did you see my nerdy glasses? Yea, I started wearing them the second they stopped being cool in the mainstream, making me the hippest guy ever. Did you see my jean jacket? Same thing.

Goooooooooo Cardinals!

Daddy Issues

"Daddy Issues: a series of letters to older men"
by Hayden Panettiere

AN EXCERPT:
January 11, 2009

Dear Milo Ventilmigliasaliosasteehee,

I never did figure out how to say your last name when we were dating. But then again, my name's pretty off the wall too. I guess we were meant for each other. At some point, at least. But not anymore. Not now that I'm awesome and ready to grind my bones on some new meat. You know what I'm saying?

I just feel like...you're not old enough yet. You'll understand one day. I just need a man. You're just a boy. Just a boy who randomly talks like Batman in The Dark Knight. You're only in your early 30s. You're just starting life. I need someone more experienced.

I hope you understand one day when you're crying into your diary, which we're all sure you have. Even the guy who plays Sylar thinks you're a kind of a bitch, and he wears purple when he's not working. Purple, Milo. Purple. I wore purple once. But it was a purple thong that I danced in for my friend's stepfather. He didn't even ask for it. In fact, he begged for me to stop and threw clothes at me, like...he...wanted...it...bad. But you wouldn't know.

Yousa bitch, Ventilagrosaliopoteehee. A total bitch. You can see what you miss as soon as Playboy stops calling me crazy and lets me pose for them. Those older men need something good in their pants. And that something good is me. God, older men fill a void in me.

Get bent.

Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv,
Hayden

p.s. You're a boner. Grow up.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

January 12, 2009
Dear Guy Who Plays My Dad On Heroes,

Let's get down.

Suckily,
Hayden

p.s. Remember this wonderful night?

This Went Rather Poorly (For Her)

"This Went Rather Poorly (For Her)"
by Angelina Jolie

AN EXCERPT:
Oscar Night.

I, the drop-dead-sexy Angelina Jolie am heading to the bathroom, where I am approached by a ranting and raving lunatic man. Oh wait. It's Jennifer Aniston. More like Jennifer Cantstand. Hmmmm...I should write that down and file it away in my sexy dungeon. Ugh. She's gonna yell at me about some inane bullshit she calls moral conviction. If I wasn't so sure she were asexual with her mirror, I bet she'd probably want to boink me. Jesus, who doesn't want to boink me these days? Damn, here's the crazy dude now. How did Braddie-Poo ever put his "character actor" into her gross "plot?"

Jennifer Aniston storms up to me and puts her finger in my face.

She yells, "I've been waiting five years to say this to you. You're a bitch. You ruined everything. You're such a skank-ho that I can't even believe they let you adopt children. I've got ten fingers that say you're the loosest goose in this town and thousands of women that agree with me. Team Aniston could kick Team Jolie's ass. Nobody loves you. Not even Brad. There was just a huge misunderstanding between us. He'll come back. One day. But for right now, I'm kinda-sorta holding onto John Mayer. He's a good guy. He's dumped me several times for vague reasons... but I still love the guy! He makes beautiful music! We make beautiful music! You don't give a shit about anyone else but yourself. All that good will bullshit is just so people think you're deep. But you're not! You're as shallow and bitchy as the tabloids say you are. God, you even smell like sin. You smell like you just broke up another marriage. How do you sleep at night, taking care of kids, but knowing you're a homewrecker? What kind of bitch-ass mother are you? You're a bitch-ass. God, I hate you. How do you even have friends? You're the worst thing ever. I kept my mouth shut for years, but now, I'm letting everyone know that you suck. God, you suck. I'm going to tell US WEEKLY all about this encounter and they'll agree that you're pregnant with the Devil's spawn. What do you have to say about that, Miss Angelina Bitch-Ass Jolie?"

I yawn obtusely. "I'm still banging your ex-husband every day," I say, with a shrug. "So...I win."

"Ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh," Jennifer Aniston yells, shaking her head and fists.

And then I open the bathroom door slowly, where all the girls inside want take me on a vacation to Boink City, USA.

They Gave Me My Own Show

"They Gave Me My Own Show"
by Jimmy Fallon

BOOK SLEEVE:
Hi, I'm Jimmy Fallon, but you can call me Jimmy Fallon. Hahahahahaha. Oh man. I gotta save that one for my show. Oh yeah. My show. I have a show. I'll show you my show if you show me yours. Hahahahahahaha. Seriously though, I have a show. A talk show. Hahahaha. I don't even know why I laughed that time. Anyway, this show's going to be hilarious. I'm going to do wacky impressions. Hahahahaha. Just thinking about them makes me laugh. Hahahahaha. And it'll make you laugh. Hahahahaha. It's going to be so funny. Hahahahahaha. Seriously. Hahahahaha. You're going to split your side. Hahahahaha. Because one time...hahahahaha. Well, I'll tell you when I have my show. Hahahahaha. For right now, I have to...hahahahahaha. I have to write some....hahahaha. Some introductions...hahahaha. To the show...hahahaha. I don't know...hahahaha. You're going....hahahaha. To love it....hahahahaha. I...hahahaha. Want...hahahaha. To...hahahahaha. Be...hahahaha. The...hahahaha. Next...hahahaha. Jay Leno...hahahaha.

Yeah, I should totally host a talk show, because if there's anything I'm known for, it's not talking about myself too much and not laughing while other people are talking.

Look At Me! Look At Me!

"Look At Me! Look At Me!"
a picture book
by Lady Gaga

AN EXCERPT:

CHAPTER TWO: Me still luv fashion!


Me look like Amy Winehouse in dis picture. But she is British. I is Italian! She likes fish and I like pasta!!!! We are the same, but we are differeeeeeeeeeeeennnnttttt!!!! Me Lady Gaga! Me is from Yonkers! Dey call me "Le Bonkers from Yonkers!" Maybe I is French? But no! Me is Lady Gaga! With Italian blood! And maybe some other stuuffffffff like blackness, because of my booty. My Lady Gaga booty! Et es soooo roooooound! Et es like de moon! But it poops! Poops gold records dat is! Me Lady Gagaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Look at Lady Gaga above. She is da Lady Gaga. She sometimes kill you fo being so pretty. And sunglasses at night? She is interestiiing! One day when I was child, my mom said, "You can't go outside wearing pink underwear on the outside of a blue dress." And I said, "You is confoosed! You are listening to society's lies You no need to wear shoes on your feet, because then how will you climb treeeeeeeeeeeees!" And den she hit me! Wiff boomerang! Where did da boomerang come from? Oh no! Et es coming baaaaack! Protect Lady Gaga! She has da secret formula!
Me luv attentioooooooooooooooooooooon! The Lady Gaga demands it! All de people love me. Like Babar, de Elephant King! He ride into sunset wiff me humping his back. We are lovers! Like pro-basketball players, dunking on each ovver! We no listen to society. Me make dance music, because me like dance music. Haff you seen Babar dance? No wonder he is Elephant King!

Me seem so happy here. But I is not. I is so lonely. Like Babar, de Elephant King.

I Don't Look Like This Anymore

"I Don't Look Like This Anymore."
by Lindsay Lohan

BACK COVER:
Lindsay's back. Again. But now, she doesn't have all the trials and tribulations of "weight" or "baggage." She's a stone-cold fox. Or the deadweight of a dead one anyway. But remember when she had enough meat on her to be a meal? Remember your jealousy, ladies? Remember your wet dreams, gentleman? Well, now she looks like this, thinner than ever, naked and ready to party:

Assault!

"Assault!"
by Chris Brown

TAGLINE:
I've had songs called "Poppin" and "Take You Down" and "Damage" and "Throwed" and Jesus Christ, people, how did you not see it coming?

Wait...

"Wait..."
by Christian Bale

AN EXCERPT:
Everyone is says that i is a hero? That I stands up someone? Yeis, yeis, the director of photogwaphy was no good. No good! I is so great! Me promise you, world, that I am new Christian Bale. Faster. Stronger. Better. More Batmany. Ron Howard say I good guy. So does McG. I good man. I is un hero to the civilarios! I can has cheezburger?

Fuck

"Fuck"
by Christian Bale

AN EXCERPT:
Listen, man, everyone's getting on my fucking case about some fucking guy that I fucking yelled at. Well, fuck him. Come on, he's a fucking asshole. Fuck the entire family of that fuck. I'm sick of this fucking shit. Ugh. Fucking...I was in The Dark fucking Knight. You fucking owe me, world. Remember when I darkened my voice for fucking symbolism? And it was so fucking gnar that I sounded like I was getting over scarlet fever and a fucking whooping cough? I couldn't read until I was fucking 7. And even then, I'd just read fucking picture books. Oh fucking dammit, did I write that? Fucking...why can't I stop? One time, I fucked a tranny! Dammit! Another crazy fucking outburst for me, Christian Bale! Fuck all of this.

No, No, No...I'm Doing Great

"No, No, No...I'm Doing Great: a tailspin into insanity (tailspinsanity?)"
by MC Skatrat (the actor formerly known as Joaquin Phoenix

AN EXCERPT:
Oh man, I'm like an artist. Like, an artist's artist. I can do everything. Even act. As an artist. Or freestyle as an actor-turned-rapper-turned artist. I quit acting. I'm deep, man. Like an ocean. That's why my parents almost named me: Ocean. But they decided that it was too similar to my uncle Tundra and my aunt Rainforest. Children of God, playa. They once made me worship a tree branch, playa.

Oh yeah, I say "playa" now. Why? Because I'm no longer Joaquin Phoenix. That was my fascist name. Now, I'm MC Skatrat, the most fly on the wall. Sticky and sweet, slick and to the beat.

Look, right there, I rapped. And you doubted me? Psssch. I own the night.

Come on, I'm in the zone now. How many movies did I make where I acted braindead? And then they had me play Johnny Cash, who spoke like he was braindead. The Golden Globes wanted to high-five my weiner, they loved me as Cash so much. I could've banged the Golden Globes' mother if I wanted to. But I'm too into Mother Earth that I'd never do it. I love this planet more than people. Also, because I'm so mysterious and miserably charming as a bag full of misery that no one can get inside my head. It's too dark. Maybe you should turn on a light. Oh wait, you can't, because that would be electricity killing the planet. Asshole.

But anyway, fuck acting.

Now, I'm into music. And you're into me. You're into my music through the power of song. I'm so cool I'm retarded. Totally retarded. Just...so retarded.

I'm a humanitarian and I approve my message.

Everyone Totally Feels Sorry For Me, Right?

"Everyone Totally Feels Sorry For Me, Right?"
by Ashton Kutcher

AN EXCERPT:
And then you're not going to believe this, a construction crew was outside of my mansion. How awful is that? Look at me, I'm just like you..."normies."

To further prove that I was just like you guys, I pulled a Puff Daddy and ranted about how hard the standards of living are for the exceptionally wealthy. At 7 in the morning, I had to carry myself to my patio (which took just under an hour, because I had to stop at my ice rink for a quick skate) and started yelling into my video camera about my neighbor keeping me up.

Hypothetically...let's say I'm a 13-year-old girl. A girl bothered me at school today. I went on Twitter and whined about it the rest of the day. Now, let's say I'm dating a friend's dad. Now let's realize that what I did as a little girl isn't all that different as to what I, Ashton Kutcher, did as an adult. Also, even as a thirtysomething, let's say I just got my first period.

But I yelled into my camera for legal purposes, of course. Even though construction is legally allowed to start at 7 a.m. in Los Angeles, according to the law. Even though I've made a glorious amount of noise, everything from watching television really loud with my wife and throwing windows off of my balcony for no apparent reason.

I've made a career as an underwear model and then as an actor playing nothing but socially-inept, loud, obnoxious characters and then as the host and producer of my own prank show, so why shouldn't you feel sorry for me when I'm bothered? Are you telling me that I haven't earned my keep? Why don't you feel sorry for me? Feel more sorry for me.

So, instead of waking up and having my chef cook my eggs, having my shoe-putter-onner put on my shoes and my birds dressing me like Snow White, I had to take my Angry Slide instead of my Happy Slide to my Funhouse, which isn't so fun when someone's neighbor is hammering away. Also, my snowcones didn't taste as good today because my neighbor is mean.

I was also hoping that everyone would forget that the entire premise of my show Punk'd was bothering people. And now I'm bothered. Ironic, eh? Feel sorry for me. Irony hurts. And because there's a-people makin' a-racket outside of my million dollar home.

Remember when I made Justin Timberlake think he was losing his house?
Remember when I convinced Usher that his brother got arrested?
Remember when I made Demi Moore love me?

Ugh. It's so stupid that I'm getting punk'd...by life.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

We Are So Great, Aren't We?

"We Are So Great, Aren't We?"
by Kanye West & Brandon Flowers

AN EXCERPT:
BF: "I mean, how can you listen to Day & Age and not think I'm an embryo child of Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Paul Simon and James Taylor? I'm like the songwriter these days."

KW: "Too true, man. Same thing with 808s & Heartbreaks. I am so good that I almost seem, dare I say it?...bad. People can't handle the truth."

"I know. Sometimes, you're just so good that you can see the work of others. It comes to depress you."

"Oh, every time I listen to another album of anybody's, I fart, just to add something to the tracks to make it better. My farts are like clouds made up of laughter, hugs and seasoning salt."

"I'm pretty sure I could do Bruce Springsteen's "Born To Run" better than The Boss himself."

"I bet I could bring Tupac back from the dead if I just asked nicely."

"We are so great, aren't we?"

"Yeah, of course. God, I wish we could high-five so hard we could have a kid."

"But then we'd have to compete against him."

"Yeah, but we could just record each other's stuff and it'll seem like new music."

"That's an amazing idea. I could do 'Mr. Brightside' in a hip hop tempo easy and you could do 'Good Life' to a dance beat."

"Right. God, we're so great."

"So great."

"Like...super awesome mega great."

"Great times infinity."

"Yeah...except...are we really doing each other's tracks or our own?"

"Each other's, because we're so great."

"Oh, because I thought maybe we were doing our owns just a second ago, because we're so great."

"Well, because we're so great, I'm not sure who I am right now and which songs I'm doing."

"You're Kanye."

"I thought you were Kanye."

"Oh...well, I don't know...we sound so much alike when we talk about ourselves..."

"Yeah, I know...what are you wearing?"

"Some stupid white blazer with white slacks and a pink button up shirt."

"Damn. That could be either of us."

"Well, what are you wearing?"

"Some frilly number with sunglasses indoors."

"Damn. That could be either of us again."

"Well, who helped you get famous?"

"I don't know. Some guys."

"Yeah, some guys helped me get famous too...wow, this is hard."

"Well, I've got some feuds..."

"Yeah, me too..."

"Hmmm...what's your religion?"

"Money."

"Oh, mine too."

"Isn't one of us, like... Mormon and one of us Christian?"

"Yeah, but I like money more."

"Yeah, me too."

"You ever pet the television when you're on it?"

"Yeah."

"Hmmm...that doesn't narrow it down at all..."

"I think I tend to lose my temper in interviews...?"

"Yeah, so do I."

"Ah well, you just want to flip a coin?"

Harsh

"Harsh"
by Jessica Simpson

TAGLINE: Seriously, after we spent an entire year talking about change and then voted in a new president that advocates tolerance and progression, we're really going to ridicule and grill me for adding on a few pounds, nowhere near fat? F'real?

If I Win At The Oscars, I Will Eat My Freakin' Award

"If I Win At The Oscars, I Will Eat My Freakin' Award"
by Mickey freakin' Rourke

AN EXCERPT:
Oh man, you hear what happened on Thursday? They're gonna give me a freakin' award. I swear to God, man, if I win, I swear I'll eat my award. Why? Because America wants me to.

Or maybe I want to.

I don't know. Sometimes, I think I'm America and sometimes, well, maybe I just got punched in the head a few too many times. I slow sometimes, you know?

'Cause remember when I left acting to become, like, a boxer? Oh man, good times then. I drank and fought. Or maybe I didn't drink. I don't know. I slow sometimes, you know?

I was offered a part in Pulp Fiction. Bruce Willis ended up taking it. You know why I turned it down?

No, seriously. That was a real question. Why would I have turned it down? Huh, maybe I'm just slow sometimes, you know?

Oh man, I am freakin' hungry. You got a live snake? Nah, I'm just kidding. I'm Mickey freakin' Rourke. I played Marv in Sin City. I'll eat your whole goddamn ostrich farm, if you got one. No? Ah well, that's ok. Why? Because I'm Mickey freakin' Rourke, and if I say that's ok, you're ok. Ok? Good man. Shit, what we got to drink in here anyway? Some cereal or something? I'm thirsty too.

Remember 9 1/2 Weeks? Oh man, that movie was so freakin' unreal. It was like...a documentary or something. I don't know, man. It was probably really hungry then. The movie, I mean. Or me. Sorry. I meant me. I was hungry like the movie am. Shit, this is getting harder, you know? Remember how I was a professional boxer for some years in the 90s? I think it hurt my head a little. Not a lot, but enough to, you know, make me all screwy. I slow sometimes, you know?

I swear to freakin' God, man, they give me an Oscar for The Wrestler, I'll freakin' eat it. No joke. I'm hungry, man. I'm hungry. Why? Because I'm Mickey freakin' Rourke, that's why.

There Is No Freakin' Way That You Truly Believe The Premise Of This Show

"There Is No Freakin' Way That You Truly Believe The Premise Of This Show"
by The Cast of Gossip Girl

AN EXCERPT:

I mean, really? An entire show about fancy rich private school kids? You want to watch and stay updated with a television program where a bunch of sexy kids have cooler lives than you ever will? And then they complain about it?

Seriously, do you really care about private school with names like Serena van der Woodsen, Nate Archibald, Givgov P. Bexamis III and Humprey Von Tiddlie Toes? Ok, ok, so the last two names were made up. But some of us actors and actresses on the program have names like Leighton Meester, Penn Badgley and Chace Crawford. Ugh. Don't you hate our fanciness and all that is us?

And if you're going to watch it, then sure, we'll totally be in it. And we'll get paid a lot of money to do it. And then talk about how hard acting is as we grind up on each other in school girl outfits. Meanwhile, the boys have more Botox in their lips than a kiss between Melanie Griffith and Goldie Hawn.

But come on, one of us is 15 in real life. A hand job is still a cool thing at that age. But these characters we play are all like sexy lawyer vampire detectives. They strip and grind like they're all millionaire playboys and party girls. How do you not hate our show?

The freakin' webseries was called Tales From The Upper West Side. And these characters are in private school. An entire show about whiny rich kids sexying each other up and spending way too much money, and still it's not enough. That's the entire program.

Ok, fine. You know what? There's going to be a similar to show on The CW. It's called Sexy Fancy People That Are Better Than You And Still Not Stoked Enough. Here's a still from the pilot episode:

Actually, that was the pilot episode.

Nope, I Don't Get It Either

"Nope, I Don't Get It Either"
by Ben Gibbard

TAGLINE:
No, seriously, I have no freakin' idea how I scored Zooey Deschanel.