Happy Valentine's Day

"Happy Valentine's Day
by Cupid

TAGLINE:
Really, just because this holiday is supposedly a "Hallmark holiday," you're going to ignore it? Why not be good to your man or woman every other day AND this day? Why choose to protest instead of love? You're dumb.

Assault!

"Assault!"
by Chris Brown

TAGLINE:
I've had songs called "Poppin" and "Take You Down" and "Damage" and "Throwed" and Jesus Christ, people, how did you not see it coming?

Wait...

"Wait..."
by Christian Bale

AN EXCERPT:
Everyone is says that i is a hero? That I stands up someone? Yeis, yeis, the director of photogwaphy was no good. No good! I is so great! Me promise you, world, that I am new Christian Bale. Faster. Stronger. Better. More Batmany. Ron Howard say I good guy. So does McG. I good man. I is un hero to the civilarios! I can has cheezburger?

Fuck

"Fuck"
by Christian Bale

AN EXCERPT:
Listen, man, everyone's getting on my fucking case about some fucking guy that I fucking yelled at. Well, fuck him. Come on, he's a fucking asshole. Fuck the entire family of that fuck. I'm sick of this fucking shit. Ugh. Fucking...I was in The Dark fucking Knight. You fucking owe me, world. Remember when I darkened my voice for fucking symbolism? And it was so fucking gnar that I sounded like I was getting over scarlet fever and a fucking whooping cough? I couldn't read until I was fucking 7. And even then, I'd just read fucking picture books. Oh fucking dammit, did I write that? Fucking...why can't I stop? One time, I fucked a tranny! Dammit! Another crazy fucking outburst for me, Christian Bale! Fuck all of this.

No, No, No...I'm Doing Great

"No, No, No...I'm Doing Great: a tailspin into insanity (tailspinsanity?)"
by MC Skatrat (the actor formerly known as Joaquin Phoenix

AN EXCERPT:
Oh man, I'm like an artist. Like, an artist's artist. I can do everything. Even act. As an artist. Or freestyle as an actor-turned-rapper-turned artist. I quit acting. I'm deep, man. Like an ocean. That's why my parents almost named me: Ocean. But they decided that it was too similar to my uncle Tundra and my aunt Rainforest. Children of God, playa. They once made me worship a tree branch, playa.

Oh yeah, I say "playa" now. Why? Because I'm no longer Joaquin Phoenix. That was my fascist name. Now, I'm MC Skatrat, the most fly on the wall. Sticky and sweet, slick and to the beat.

Look, right there, I rapped. And you doubted me? Psssch. I own the night.

Come on, I'm in the zone now. How many movies did I make where I acted braindead? And then they had me play Johnny Cash, who spoke like he was braindead. The Golden Globes wanted to high-five my weiner, they loved me as Cash so much. I could've banged the Golden Globes' mother if I wanted to. But I'm too into Mother Earth that I'd never do it. I love this planet more than people. Also, because I'm so mysterious and miserably charming as a bag full of misery that no one can get inside my head. It's too dark. Maybe you should turn on a light. Oh wait, you can't, because that would be electricity killing the planet. Asshole.

But anyway, fuck acting.

Now, I'm into music. And you're into me. You're into my music through the power of song. I'm so cool I'm retarded. Totally retarded. Just...so retarded.

I'm a humanitarian and I approve my message.

Folksinger

"Folksinger"
by Jake Kilroy

AN EXCERPT:
"There ain't a wind I can't carry, no sun I can't meet, no woman I can't please," the folksinger said, squinting at the sinking sun, a bright orange engulfing the valley.

"Sounds pretty arrogant," Henry remarked.

"I wasn't saying. I was quoting."

"Quoting who?"

"Don't know. Someone else. You know these fields will be turned into houses one day and those birds will have no songs."

"Yea, I know."

"And the world will lose another good artist for modern movement. One more gravesite for a beautiful work. Fine time for a last hurrah."

"Is that why you're drinking?"

"No, it's why I'm thinking, why I'm talking, why I'm wondering where all the women are that I once knew."

"Not here at sunset, that's for sure. You just got me."

"I'll take it."

The two watched the sky fall, sitting atop a creaky wooden fence. The birds sang as the sky went from orange to to red, then to purple, then to black. Then the crystal stars came out to shine in the moonlight. And the two just sat there with new beers and old words.

Uh Oh

"Uh Oh"
by Macy's

TAGLINE: Cutting 7,000 jobs, eh? Hard to know how to feel about a company that had cool things like homosexual mannequins but uncool things like private jails and interrogation rooms.

Everyone Totally Feels Sorry For Me, Right?

"Everyone Totally Feels Sorry For Me, Right?"
by Ashton Kutcher

AN EXCERPT:
And then you're not going to believe this, a construction crew was outside of my mansion. How awful is that? Look at me, I'm just like you..."normies."

To further prove that I was just like you guys, I pulled a Puff Daddy and ranted about how hard the standards of living are for the exceptionally wealthy. At 7 in the morning, I had to carry myself to my patio (which took just under an hour, because I had to stop at my ice rink for a quick skate) and started yelling into my video camera about my neighbor keeping me up.

Hypothetically...let's say I'm a 13-year-old girl. A girl bothered me at school today. I went on Twitter and whined about it the rest of the day. Now, let's say I'm dating a friend's dad. Now let's realize that what I did as a little girl isn't all that different as to what I, Ashton Kutcher, did as an adult. Also, even as a thirtysomething, let's say I just got my first period.

But I yelled into my camera for legal purposes, of course. Even though construction is legally allowed to start at 7 a.m. in Los Angeles, according to the law. Even though I've made a glorious amount of noise, everything from watching television really loud with my wife and throwing windows off of my balcony for no apparent reason.

I've made a career as an underwear model and then as an actor playing nothing but socially-inept, loud, obnoxious characters and then as the host and producer of my own prank show, so why shouldn't you feel sorry for me when I'm bothered? Are you telling me that I haven't earned my keep? Why don't you feel sorry for me? Feel more sorry for me.

So, instead of waking up and having my chef cook my eggs, having my shoe-putter-onner put on my shoes and my birds dressing me like Snow White, I had to take my Angry Slide instead of my Happy Slide to my Funhouse, which isn't so fun when someone's neighbor is hammering away. Also, my snowcones didn't taste as good today because my neighbor is mean.

I was also hoping that everyone would forget that the entire premise of my show Punk'd was bothering people. And now I'm bothered. Ironic, eh? Feel sorry for me. Irony hurts. And because there's a-people makin' a-racket outside of my million dollar home.

Remember when I made Justin Timberlake think he was losing his house?
Remember when I convinced Usher that his brother got arrested?
Remember when I made Demi Moore love me?

Ugh. It's so stupid that I'm getting punk'd...by life.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

We Are So Great, Aren't We?

"We Are So Great, Aren't We?"
by Kanye West & Brandon Flowers

AN EXCERPT:
BF: "I mean, how can you listen to Day & Age and not think I'm an embryo child of Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Paul Simon and James Taylor? I'm like the songwriter these days."

KW: "Too true, man. Same thing with 808s & Heartbreaks. I am so good that I almost seem, dare I say it?...bad. People can't handle the truth."

"I know. Sometimes, you're just so good that you can see the work of others. It comes to depress you."

"Oh, every time I listen to another album of anybody's, I fart, just to add something to the tracks to make it better. My farts are like clouds made up of laughter, hugs and seasoning salt."

"I'm pretty sure I could do Bruce Springsteen's "Born To Run" better than The Boss himself."

"I bet I could bring Tupac back from the dead if I just asked nicely."

"We are so great, aren't we?"

"Yeah, of course. God, I wish we could high-five so hard we could have a kid."

"But then we'd have to compete against him."

"Yeah, but we could just record each other's stuff and it'll seem like new music."

"That's an amazing idea. I could do 'Mr. Brightside' in a hip hop tempo easy and you could do 'Good Life' to a dance beat."

"Right. God, we're so great."

"So great."

"Like...super awesome mega great."

"Great times infinity."

"Yeah...except...are we really doing each other's tracks or our own?"

"Each other's, because we're so great."

"Oh, because I thought maybe we were doing our owns just a second ago, because we're so great."

"Well, because we're so great, I'm not sure who I am right now and which songs I'm doing."

"You're Kanye."

"I thought you were Kanye."

"Oh...well, I don't know...we sound so much alike when we talk about ourselves..."

"Yeah, I know...what are you wearing?"

"Some stupid white blazer with white slacks and a pink button up shirt."

"Damn. That could be either of us."

"Well, what are you wearing?"

"Some frilly number with sunglasses indoors."

"Damn. That could be either of us again."

"Well, who helped you get famous?"

"I don't know. Some guys."

"Yeah, some guys helped me get famous too...wow, this is hard."

"Well, I've got some feuds..."

"Yeah, me too..."

"Hmmm...what's your religion?"

"Money."

"Oh, mine too."

"Isn't one of us, like... Mormon and one of us Christian?"

"Yeah, but I like money more."

"Yeah, me too."

"You ever pet the television when you're on it?"

"Yeah."

"Hmmm...that doesn't narrow it down at all..."

"I think I tend to lose my temper in interviews...?"

"Yeah, so do I."

"Ah well, you just want to flip a coin?"

Harsh

"Harsh"
by Jessica Simpson

TAGLINE: Seriously, after we spent an entire year talking about change and then voted in a new president that advocates tolerance and progression, we're really going to ridicule and grill me for adding on a few pounds, nowhere near fat? F'real?