Yep, I'm Hitting That...Me, Ryan Adams

"Yep, I'm Hitting That...Me, Ryan Adams"
by Ryan Adams

AN EXCERPT:
I didn't think that one book was enough to make you jealous, so I wrote another one. I write books like songs, one after another. Some good, some bad. Whatever. I write songs. And books. And see clouds. I see clouds one after another. I saw a lizard once. I stomped it because it called me pretentious. No, I'm not crazy. I'm just famous.

Oh, and I put my name in blue just to be ironic.

Ryan Adams Rules

"Ryan Adams Rules"
by Ryan Adams

AN EXCERPT:
Look, idiots, I rule.

I mean, I just scientifically proved that if you act as weird and stupid as you want, as brainless and careless and reckless as possible, jump in and out of trends, act tortured and diseased, and even look like Harry Potter for a solid year, you can not only bang Mandy Moore, but you can marry her.

That's right. I married Mandy Moore.

How awkward do you think I can make those wedding photos? I'll probably just look off to the side, not even at the camera. I haven't looked directly into a camera for a couple months now. All my weirdo friends will be there, but they won't be socialites like Mandy's friends. My friends are drunks and drug-users. They got it hard. One of them ate a live moth once because they were attracted to the same light.

I'll probably sober up for the wedding night, so I can remember what it feels like to win.

And then when she falls asleep, I'll probably just drink whatever's under the sink and write a song on my acoustic guitar in the bathtub about how hard I have it.

I'm so deep, I'll probably drown if I think too hard. Did you see my nerdy glasses? Yea, I started wearing them the second they stopped being cool in the mainstream, making me the hippest guy ever. Did you see my jean jacket? Same thing.

Goooooooooo Cardinals!

Daddy Issues

"Daddy Issues: a series of letters to older men"
by Hayden Panettiere

AN EXCERPT:
January 11, 2009

Dear Milo Ventilmigliasaliosasteehee,

I never did figure out how to say your last name when we were dating. But then again, my name's pretty off the wall too. I guess we were meant for each other. At some point, at least. But not anymore. Not now that I'm awesome and ready to grind my bones on some new meat. You know what I'm saying?

I just feel like...you're not old enough yet. You'll understand one day. I just need a man. You're just a boy. Just a boy who randomly talks like Batman in The Dark Knight. You're only in your early 30s. You're just starting life. I need someone more experienced.

I hope you understand one day when you're crying into your diary, which we're all sure you have. Even the guy who plays Sylar thinks you're a kind of a bitch, and he wears purple when he's not working. Purple, Milo. Purple. I wore purple once. But it was a purple thong that I danced in for my friend's stepfather. He didn't even ask for it. In fact, he begged for me to stop and threw clothes at me, like...he...wanted...it...bad. But you wouldn't know.

Yousa bitch, Ventilagrosaliopoteehee. A total bitch. You can see what you miss as soon as Playboy stops calling me crazy and lets me pose for them. Those older men need something good in their pants. And that something good is me. God, older men fill a void in me.

Get bent.

Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv,
Hayden

p.s. You're a boner. Grow up.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

January 12, 2009
Dear Guy Who Plays My Dad On Heroes,

Let's get down.

Suckily,
Hayden

p.s. Remember this wonderful night?

Of Hearts And Other Wages

"Of Hearts And Other Wages"
by Jake Kilroy

AN EXCERPT:
"How heavy do you think this city is?" she asked him, setting down her pink martini on the windowsill.

Jerry stared at her for a moment. "I don't even understand the question, Amy."

"Well, suppose I was ambitious."

"You are ambitious."

"No, I'm quite drunk, really."

Jerry stared at her, and then his beer, and then her again. She was certainly in top-form tonight.

"If I were so ambitious," she said, "wouldn't the city kill me from its own sheer dead weight? How long would I last? What would the countryside think of me?"

"Is this a rhetorical question?"

"Only if there's no answer, and if that's the case, then I suppose I'm wasting my time," Amy said, almost with a meow, scratching his lapel. "This party bores me," she added, looking around the loft, with scattered souls and drinks.

"You know everyone though. And your sister has a lot of nice friends," Jerry said.

"When have friends ever helped a drunk girl with ambition? Or a sober girl with drunk ambition, for that matter, as I will be a heaping mess of sanity come tomorrow morning?"

"I wouldn't say that," Jerry mumbled with a chuckle and a shrug.

"Jerry, why have you never loved me?"

Jerry nearly shot the beer out of his nose. He wiped the window he had just sprayed. "What?" he stammered.

"Boy, you've got the parts to make this engine run. You can gun it, floor it, kill it and speed through my highway, listening to your favorite blues song, and you've never so much as turned on your signals. All I see are brake lights, and that's if the car's even on. You've got nothing but speed limit you can ignore when you wreck and ruin my roads. The asphalt was paved for you a long time ago. You can smell the beach and hear the birds and see the grass whipping in the wind. There's a fresh breeze to hit your hair. You can have this wild life, complete with air-conditioning and a good stereo, but you would turn on the ignition. I'll tell you right now that I'll let you drive my highway until the sun sets right on my goddamn stomach, Jerry," she purred. "Now what do you say?"

Jerry, eyes wide and mouth almost hanging off of his face, grabbed Amy's hand and took her to the closest empty room.

Your Film Sucks

"Your Film Sucks"
by Jason Ornelas

TAGLINE:
See title.

Watchmen Costumes

"Watchmen Costumes"
by Randy Tabula

TAGLINE: Remember how everyone went as The Joker from The Dark Knight last year? Well, this year, you can be Rorschach from Watchmen! Why be unique when you can be like everyone else? Sure, Halloween's far away, but you need to start telling everyone that you're going as Rorschach so they know you thought of it first!

No Good Men In The City

"No Good Men In The City"
a crime novel
by Jake Kilroy

AN EXCERPT:
"There ain't a bridge we can't cross in this town," Bruzzo said, ignoring the noises of the seaport below. "This is a territory scuffle. It's not some random gunshots in the night. These aren't just bullets ricocheting of the stars, Johnny. These are people that want wars between the lines. You want Poland? You have to go through Germany now. You have to take the big ones down first before the small ones. That's where every big shot when wrong, when we went weak. You start strong, you finish strong. And I'm not talking about this stupid city, where carjackers can actually make a decent living, or the faulty countries in Europe, where you can't forget history, even if you tried. This is about mankind. This is about humanity. This is about the lives of human beings, from womb to gun to stroke. No gangster thinks he's going to live forever. But he tries to cheat death as often as he can. From a stomachache in a pizza parlor to cancer creeping around a man's bones, every gangster in this city knows that he's gonna die from a gunshot he didn't think was coming. But he'll be on the lookout with a search party until his body hits the ground so hard that they bury him where he once stood. Now, you're a smart guy, am I right? Then don't ever think that a car accident is going to be what kills you, Johnny. Unless of course it's a semi driven by your worst enemy. Then, well, you could die that way."

The wind was slapping Johnny's coat against his cold legs. His body hurt. From years of apathy to years of violence, everything ached.

He stared at the river. The bridge, the seaport, the ships that come in and out like swimming mice, all of it could burn in an instant, he thought. Bruzzo was right. There was no eternity, no lifetime, no patron saints to look out for gangsters like him. He'd be dead before he knew how to live. Unless, of course, he started doing Bruzzo's dirty work.

At least he could always eat. A working man could starve, but a gangster had the feast of kings every night without the bothersome drool of a lackluster court jester. There may be no saints to look after me, Johnny thought, but there's some sinners out there that would take bullets for their own, and then throw them back.

"I want in," Johnny said, finally looking at Bruzzo. And all Bruzzo did was grin.

My First Acid Trip

"My First Acid Trip: a glorious account of trouble (or a troubling account of glory)"
by Sam Serrano

AN EXCERPT:
And then there was this banana, who I think was my date. But the bats were trying to eat his face, but he was, like, laughing. And the yellow brick road was there, but it was moving. And I think there were snow cones being served by a prostitute. But she was also selling big hams. But the hams weren't really hams, they were like...bats. But not the ones eating the talking banana's face. The clouds were laughing too, actually, now that I think about it. My shoes wouldn't shut up either. And everything was smokey. Well, kind of anyway. I had a report due, but I couldn't do it because my pencil kept crying.

Finally though, after all of the monkeys left the party and the robots stopped dancing, I could hear the stream to a creek that I didn't know existed in the desert. Or at least I think it was the desert. It could've just been a bunch of hyenas whimpering that they couldn't find their way home. I was sure I saw them. But I don't know where they live. Who knows? Maybe The Shadow knows. But he wasn't there. Or at least I don't think he was. I mean, there were shadows there...huh, maybe they're related or something. Oh my God, and then I ate so many freakin' golf balls!

Mess City, Population 1

"Mess City, Population 1: How I Survived My 21st Birthday"
by Caitlin Kilroy

TAGLINE:
Remember your 21st birthday? No? Then read this book!

Hater

"Hater: The Anger of a Twentysomething Research Editor"
by James Park

TAGLINE:
This is bullshit.