I'm Dane Cook

"I'm Dane Cook"
a book about Dane Cook
by Dane Cook

AN EXCERPT:
SO SHE'S THERE, WALKING AROUND, LOOKING FOR ME. IN A MUSEUM! JUST WANDERING AROUND. NO IDEA WHERE I AM! AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, I COME OUT WITH A GUN!

[I make sound effect of cocking gun]

AND SHE JUST STANDS THERE AND I SCREAM, "ALL OF YOUR MONEY. NOW." AND SHE JUST STANDS THERE. LIKE A FUCKIN' IDIOT. SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. SO I WALK TOWARDS HER AND I YELL, "GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR FUCKING MONEY!" TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS, RIGHT? I MEAN, THIS IS MY GIIIIIIIIIRLFRIEND. I DIDN'T GET LAID FOR A WEEK. DID A LITTLE DISCO THOUGH, RIGHT?

SO ANYWAY, SHE'S SCARED OUT OF HER MIND IN THIS MUSEUM. AND I WANTED TO DRIVE THE POINT HOME, JUST LIKE YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE A KID WITH GIRLS. THROWING DIRT CLODS AT THEM. "I LOVE YOU!" BAM! DIRT. IN. HER. MOUTH. I ALMOST KILLED A GIRL ONCE. SWEAR TO GOD. LOVED HER THAT MUCH. RIGHT IN THE NOSE.

HIT. HER. RIGHT. IN. THE. NOSE.

[I made punch sound and fling back like I punched myself]

CRAZY, RIGHT?

SO I PUNCH MY GIRLFRIEND IN THIS MUSEUM, WEARING ALL BLACK AND A MASK. SHE CALLS FOR HELP. I RUN OUT. STEAL THE SECURITY'S TASER.

[I make taser gun sound effect]

AND THEN I TAAAASER HER.

PRETTY FUNNY, RIGHT?

WHY IS NO ONE LAUGHING? DIDN'T I TELL YOU THE STORY LOUD ENOUGH? SO WHAT IF THERE'S NO PUNCHLINE? I YELLED IT. EVEN THROUGH WORDS. THAT'S THE FUNNY PART. ALSO, I MADE SOME SOUND EFFECTS AND FLUNG MY BODY AROUND.

HELLO? COMEDY, ANYONE?