Dear Bruce Willis...You Are A Winner

"Dear Bruce Willis...You Are A Winner"
by Jake Kilroy

AN EXCERPT:
Again, Bruce, I'm sorry that I'm making such a big deal of this, but...dude...you're a winner. That girl is 24 years your junior. She's 30, man. And she's a British lingerie model born in Malta. You win for the entire century, Mr. Willis. Goddamn, she looks like she could be a goddamn Bond girl. She might as well have angel wings, you lucky son of a gun. She can probably massage your back just by looking at you and send high-fives through international phone calls.

I heard that one time, she was grinding up on a guy at a club, and he was pregnant the next day. Her blood is made of melted rubies, she's the Holy Grail and she got a dude off once by telling him he looked nice. And she wasn't even really talking to him. She was speaking to the guy behind

And she invented Australia. Yep. Invented Australia. The whole land mass, the flora, the fauna, the people. Everything.

Just tell me how you did it, because there's no way this is her thing. Are you some kind of sentinel?

What?

I'm sorry?

Oh wow, really?

Huh, well, I guess it's not that big of a mystery then. It actually is her thing.

I mean, you're a buff, cool, good-looking 54-year-old. And she dated Flavio Briatore, who is a 59-year-old goofy-looking businessman? Well, I guess you're a serious upgrade.

This world makes no sense to me.