Oh God, My Forehead Is Too Big

"Oh God, My Forehead Is Too Big"
by Robert Pattinson

AN EXCERPT:
Oh God, my head...it hurts. Seriously, it feels like Dumbo is sitting on the crows in that movie. Dumbo, I think it was called. And I guess I'm one of the crows. Kind of like that other movie...The Crow. Remember how dark and brooding that character was? Remember how I'm so dark and brooding all the time? Remember Twilight? Remember how dark, brooding and complex I was in that movie? Your daughters think I'm the new Johnny Depp.

In fact, my forehead is effin' Johnny Deep. My forehead will probably be longer than my career.

My face hurts though. It's like Kristen Stewart's ego sat on me. Sure, she's a little stick figure, but her ego is so awful big. She didn't even try acting in Twilight. She just flopped around like a fish being electrocuted. I flopped around like a fish once. I was on a girl, and I was trying to impress her. We were fooling around. And then I rested my head on her head and she went into a coma. A sexy coma.

Damn, I've got a migraine again. I think my head's going to explode. Call a doctor! Call Dr. Acula! Get it? Because I was a vampire once? Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm going blind!