I Am Such A Bitch

"I Am Such A Bitch"
by Katherine Heigl

AN EXCERPT:
I'm not exactly sure how you keep working in Hollywood, but on strategy, I figure, is to talk shit on every person I've ever worked with.

You know, I spent years working with Shonda Rimes and her show Grey's Anatomy, but whatever, the show's gotten dumb. It's not that I'm a terrible actress. It's totally not. It's just the writing is subpar.

And then, after all the cool kids thought I was a bitch, I decided to work with the extremely popular Judd Apatow for his movie Knocked Up. But then, I thought, "Hey, seeing as how I'm a celebrity and I should care about things, why not bash the shit out of the guy who just put me in one of the most successful movies of the year?"

I mean, everyone was calling Knocked Up sexist, and I don't want to be ugly and unpopular. So yes, out of nowhere, after I read the script, auditioned for the part, filmed the entire movie and did all the promotion for the film...I decided to talk shit on Apatow and everything about the movie I was just in, as if I had no idea that's what the movie was about.

"What? Knocked Up is a movie about a woman getting pregnant by a loser and she's pissed about it? Unbelievable. I thought it was a documentaries about fairies and stock car racing. I'm really sorry everyone I owe nothing to. Please don't hate me. I just want to be a cheerleader in the hip crowd of Hollywood," I told every single magazine that would listen to me. Oh, I would just go on and on about how Apatow tricked me like some kind of wizard. Him and his crew of freaks and geeks and magicians cast a spell on me! And they only did it because I was a woman! What else was I supposed to do besides complain to every single magazine, from Vanity Fair to People. The media had to hear what I wanted to say.

And why wouldn't they? I'm Katherine "Bonkers" Heigl.

Now that I think everyone is realizing that I'm not actually a feminist, but just an attractive girl that complains about men, I might not score all those acting gigs I thought were waiting for me. So, after talking mad shit on the show that has basically launched my career, I've decided to publicly act like a Hollywood veteran and be generous enough to stay on and with the program.

Even though I'm a total feminist who says women shouldn't be portrayed as anything less than deep creatures of intense intellect, I will still continue to make brain-dead romantic comedies about casual sex and pose for magazines covering my boobs with my hands.

How does everyone not see that I'm the most grateful feminist ever?