Everyone Totally Feels Sorry For Me, Right?

"Everyone Totally Feels Sorry For Me, Right?"
by Ashton Kutcher

AN EXCERPT:
And then you're not going to believe this, a construction crew was outside of my mansion. How awful is that? Look at me, I'm just like you..."normies."

To further prove that I was just like you guys, I pulled a Puff Daddy and ranted about how hard the standards of living are for the exceptionally wealthy. At 7 in the morning, I had to carry myself to my patio (which took just under an hour, because I had to stop at my ice rink for a quick skate) and started yelling into my video camera about my neighbor keeping me up.

Hypothetically...let's say I'm a 13-year-old girl. A girl bothered me at school today. I went on Twitter and whined about it the rest of the day. Now, let's say I'm dating a friend's dad. Now let's realize that what I did as a little girl isn't all that different as to what I, Ashton Kutcher, did as an adult. Also, even as a thirtysomething, let's say I just got my first period.

But I yelled into my camera for legal purposes, of course. Even though construction is legally allowed to start at 7 a.m. in Los Angeles, according to the law. Even though I've made a glorious amount of noise, everything from watching television really loud with my wife and throwing windows off of my balcony for no apparent reason.

I've made a career as an underwear model and then as an actor playing nothing but socially-inept, loud, obnoxious characters and then as the host and producer of my own prank show, so why shouldn't you feel sorry for me when I'm bothered? Are you telling me that I haven't earned my keep? Why don't you feel sorry for me? Feel more sorry for me.

So, instead of waking up and having my chef cook my eggs, having my shoe-putter-onner put on my shoes and my birds dressing me like Snow White, I had to take my Angry Slide instead of my Happy Slide to my Funhouse, which isn't so fun when someone's neighbor is hammering away. Also, my snowcones didn't taste as good today because my neighbor is mean.

I was also hoping that everyone would forget that the entire premise of my show Punk'd was bothering people. And now I'm bothered. Ironic, eh? Feel sorry for me. Irony hurts. And because there's a-people makin' a-racket outside of my million dollar home.

Remember when I made Justin Timberlake think he was losing his house?
Remember when I convinced Usher that his brother got arrested?
Remember when I made Demi Moore love me?

Ugh. It's so stupid that I'm getting punk'd...by life.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.