I Seriously Love Kids And Everyone Is Being A Total Dick To Me

"I Seriously Love Kids And Everyone Is Being A Total Dick To Me"
by Nadya Suleman

BACK COVER:
Nadya Suleman didn't know where to turn. All she wanted was kids and now the world was basically being a total dick to her. She just wanted to be a mother. Is that so wrong? Why don't you go to your own mother and call her irresponsible?

Oh, you wouldn't? Hypocrite.

Ugh. Even Canada's media is getting involved. The Vancouver Sun is being the bitch of all bitches by bringing up the fact that Suleman totally ignored condoms, IUDs, birth control pills, vaginal ring, contraceptive sponge, diaphragm. rhythm method, cervical cap, tubal ligation, spermicide, hysterectomy, morning-after pill, depo-provera injections, vasectomy and coitus interruptus.

But all Suleman wanted was to be a mother. So what if she was already a mother? So what if she was already a mother six times over? She just wanted to be a mother. To 14 kids. While living with her parents. Without a job. Come on, isn't this how J.K. Rowling started off? Except on her own? And had just lost a job? With almost a dozen less children? Ok, then all Suleman has to do is write a internationally-acclaimed best-seller that makes her richer than the queen. God, lay off! Give her time!

She just wanted a big family. Oh, and sure people are thinking, "Hey, I wanted a pool of gravy with a diving board made out of turkey, but you need money for that!" Well, fuck off, that shit is stupid. She's raising kids. Like a hero. Remember those kids that helped saved the local community center by putting on a play? Remember those kids that worked little league games by your house even though they didn't have to? Or remember those kids that put up the flag at Iwo Jima? You're an asshole.

Yes, yes, yes, the average kid costs $13,000 in their first year and Suleman has that times 8. But you know, a certain Angelina Jolie has some kids...?

FROM CNN:
"That was always a dream of mine, to have a large family, a huge family, and I just longed for certain connections and attachments with another person that I really lacked, I believe, growing up," she said. Asked what was lacking, she cited a "feeling of self and identity ... I felt powerless. And that gave me a sense of predictability. Reflecting back on my childhood, I know it wasn't functional. It was pretty dysfunctional, and whose isn't?"

Guess who said that? Mother Teresa? Close! It was Nadya Suleman, dickwad. She just wants her kids to have a normal, functional childhood. So she had 14 of them. So they could all be friends. And she doesn't have a job. So she can stay home and love them. And her parents will probably help out too. And you know they're stoked on kids. They had at least one. So why wouldn't they love 14?

Oh, remember, bring your children for the softball tournament next Saturday. Oh...you don't have enough kids to form a team, you say? That's weird, because Nadya Suleman has enough kids to play with substitutes too. I guess you forfeit then and Suleman automatically wins! Wins at life! Who's the dick now?