This Went Rather Poorly (For Her)

"This Went Rather Poorly (For Her)"
by Angelina Jolie

AN EXCERPT:
Oscar Night.

I, the drop-dead-sexy Angelina Jolie am heading to the bathroom, where I am approached by a ranting and raving lunatic man. Oh wait. It's Jennifer Aniston. More like Jennifer Cantstand. Hmmmm...I should write that down and file it away in my sexy dungeon. Ugh. She's gonna yell at me about some inane bullshit she calls moral conviction. If I wasn't so sure she were asexual with her mirror, I bet she'd probably want to boink me. Jesus, who doesn't want to boink me these days? Damn, here's the crazy dude now. How did Braddie-Poo ever put his "character actor" into her gross "plot?"

Jennifer Aniston storms up to me and puts her finger in my face.

She yells, "I've been waiting five years to say this to you. You're a bitch. You ruined everything. You're such a skank-ho that I can't even believe they let you adopt children. I've got ten fingers that say you're the loosest goose in this town and thousands of women that agree with me. Team Aniston could kick Team Jolie's ass. Nobody loves you. Not even Brad. There was just a huge misunderstanding between us. He'll come back. One day. But for right now, I'm kinda-sorta holding onto John Mayer. He's a good guy. He's dumped me several times for vague reasons... but I still love the guy! He makes beautiful music! We make beautiful music! You don't give a shit about anyone else but yourself. All that good will bullshit is just so people think you're deep. But you're not! You're as shallow and bitchy as the tabloids say you are. God, you even smell like sin. You smell like you just broke up another marriage. How do you sleep at night, taking care of kids, but knowing you're a homewrecker? What kind of bitch-ass mother are you? You're a bitch-ass. God, I hate you. How do you even have friends? You're the worst thing ever. I kept my mouth shut for years, but now, I'm letting everyone know that you suck. God, you suck. I'm going to tell US WEEKLY all about this encounter and they'll agree that you're pregnant with the Devil's spawn. What do you have to say about that, Miss Angelina Bitch-Ass Jolie?"

I yawn obtusely. "I'm still banging your ex-husband every day," I say, with a shrug. "So...I win."

"Ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh," Jennifer Aniston yells, shaking her head and fists.

And then I open the bathroom door slowly, where all the girls inside want take me on a vacation to Boink City, USA.