Ryan Adams Rules

"Ryan Adams Rules"
by Ryan Adams

AN EXCERPT:
Look, idiots, I rule.

I mean, I just scientifically proved that if you act as weird and stupid as you want, as brainless and careless and reckless as possible, jump in and out of trends, act tortured and diseased, and even look like Harry Potter for a solid year, you can not only bang Mandy Moore, but you can marry her.

That's right. I married Mandy Moore.

How awkward do you think I can make those wedding photos? I'll probably just look off to the side, not even at the camera. I haven't looked directly into a camera for a couple months now. All my weirdo friends will be there, but they won't be socialites like Mandy's friends. My friends are drunks and drug-users. They got it hard. One of them ate a live moth once because they were attracted to the same light.

I'll probably sober up for the wedding night, so I can remember what it feels like to win.

And then when she falls asleep, I'll probably just drink whatever's under the sink and write a song on my acoustic guitar in the bathtub about how hard I have it.

I'm so deep, I'll probably drown if I think too hard. Did you see my nerdy glasses? Yea, I started wearing them the second they stopped being cool in the mainstream, making me the hippest guy ever. Did you see my jean jacket? Same thing.

Goooooooooo Cardinals!