Clean Camping

"Clean Camping"
a guide to politeness in the wilderness
by Nicky Clark

AN EXCERPT:
Listen, I'm not saying you have to love nature. I don't. I think nature is like a bad boyfriend, constantly inviting you into his lush softness and plush beauty, but then he starts putting marks on your body that make you itch. Pretty soon, you're sleeping in a tent, freezing to make breakfast. Even making coffee becomes a difficult and defying effort.

But I like swimming. So I guess...that's like a good New Year's with the boyfriend on his best behavior. But if it's winter, it's cold. Just like a bad boyfriend. It stings you. It wears on your heart. It hurts your privates.

Somehow, you'll make it to the top of a great mountain, and you'll think, "I did this. Me." And on your proud march down, you'll notice how much nature helped you. The rock was perfectly sloped, the ground was perfectly solid and the insects were perfectly calm. Should you thank nature? No. Nature can go suck its own egg.

Before you realize what you're doing, you're kicking any plant that even remotely hangs over a path, you're swearing off hiking and you're actually punching trees.

"Hiking boots! Attaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!" you scream in a god-awful melody that only the birds can hear. Nobody's around for miles. The relationship is not doing well.

"Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!" you scream as you miss men now. At least they never gave you bug bites, at least they never made you pee in an outhouse, at least they never made you carry your own stupid water bottle because the river had scat in it.

"I'll kiiiiiiiiiiilllllllll yooooooooooooouuuuuu, naaaaaaattttuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure!" you wail, panting and undressing as you run down the hill, tripping over your own feet, cutting your legs on branches you didn't see and thinking only of eating honey.

But you still want to preserve nature. It's here to stay, in all of your apathetic and unruly delusional moments speeds. Kill, kill, kill! Save, save, save! You're fighting against yourself and your better instincts.

Well, keep it clean and maybe you won't have to worry about your impact, chuckles.

Stop throwing your beer cans. You suck.

Stop leaving candy wrappers. You suck.

And stop saving the whales. They suck.

No, seriously, find something better to save, jerks.