A Mask, A Miss, A Mistress, A Mattress

"A Mask, A Miss, A Mistress, A Mattress"
a collection of one act plays...and things
by Jake Kilroy

AN EXCERPT:
"Toasts"

We all raised our glasses, filled with different liquors, wines and spirits.

"To what then?" asked the bushy eyebrowed man.

"To travesty," said the girl in a slinky red dress.

"To divine comedy of man," said the rosy-nose burly mate.

"To forgetting," said the lanky insurance salesman.

"To education," said the grad student.

"To the mystery of saints," said the sinner

"To the charm of sinners," said the saint.

"To the harrowing culture of heroes," said the service man.

"To colorless collars," said the gas station attendant.

"To answers," said the scientist.

"To wandering," said the nomad.

"To style," said the fashionista.

"To wit," said Oscar Wilde.

"To the quiet upstarts," said George Orwell.

"To undying love," said F. Scott Fitzgerald.

"To swallowing a gun faster than this drink," said Ernest Hemingway.

"To cooking your brains before dawn," said Sylvia Plath.

"To being a crazy bitch," said Lenny Bruce.

"To Lenny Bruce being a dickhead," Sylvia Plath replied bitterly.

"To trust," said Julius Caesar with a laugh.

"To blasphemy, foreplay and arrogance," I said.

They all stared at me.

"Oh, ok...to charming bad decisions and neglecting your conscience," I said.

They continued to stare.

"You know...Sylvia over there got two things," I said.

"Yeah, but she's accomplished something. Mr. Kilroy, have you ever even read The Bell Jar?" asked the college professor.

"Yes," I lied.

"And?" he asked.

"And I'm with Lenny. To Sylvia Plath being a nutty twat!" I yelled.

And we drank.

Lenny cheered and clapped after he set his glass down.

I really do hate most of the attendees at these dinner parties.