Manahandled

"Manahandled"
a restaurant guide
by Kevin Manahan

AN EXCERPT:

Olive Garden
3755 Alton Parkway
Irvine, CA 92606

RATINGS:
FOOD: 6
ATMOSPHERE: 5
ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE: scattered
SERVICE: simply the word "putz"
OVERALL SCORE (OUT OF A POSSIBLE 10 MANAHANS): 5

The food was like any Olive Garden meal, so I won't go into that. I mean, it's a chain. So let's talk about the resident chain potsmoker and my waitress, Julie.

From the Olive Garden:
This lady is high. She is totally baked out of her mind. She's probably eating all of the breadsticks while listening to the Allman Brothers. I bet she thinks that her hands are flashlights and her legs are being massaged by gnomes. At some point, I'm sure she will burp up a Cypress Hill CD.

"So, what can I get yooooouuu?" (I spelled that accurately, I assure you)

"The Coke I asked for twice already," I replied in my most forced tone. My teeth are grinding from kindness.

"Ohhhhh, ok. So two Diet Cokes?"

"What? No. Wait...no. Just one. Regular."

"Just one regular Diet Coke."

"What...? No, lady, listen to me. One Coke."

"Haha. It sounded like you said onecoke."

"What the hell is onecoke?"

"I don't know. You said it."

Long pause. Visions of strangling flash.

"I see. May I please speak with your manager?"

"Can't. He's, like, busyyyyyyyy?"

"Yes, I'm sure he is, but...wait, I'm sorry, but how is that a question?"

"What's a question?"

Long pause. Visions of red painting walls.

"Meaning, what is a question or what part of what I said was a question?"

"Three!"

Stunned. I freeze. My body hurts.

"You know that wasn't a math question, right?"

"Anytime someone asks me something hard, I figure it's math."

"I see. Well, send your manager over whenever you get the chance. I think he might've accidentally hired a broken VCR hooked up to a toaster."

"I don't get it."

"Didn't think you would. Quick! What's the difference between a bunny?"

"Three!"

"Wow. Stellar work there. Just stellar work. Get your manager."

"I'll tryyyyyy. And don't worry, I'll make sure he gets you that Pepsi."

"What...? Wait, you can't serve Pepsi and Coke at the same place."

"Well, we also have lemonade."

"No, I'm saying you can't serve both Pepsi and Coke in the same restaurant."

"Well, I could try to stir them together for you. Do you want me to use Diet Pepsi as well?"

"No, listen, you crazy piece of insanity, give me my Coke without spit in it and tell your manager I want to slap you with every breadstick that you somehow didn't eat. Pothead!"

"I wouldn't spit in iiiiiiiiiiiiiit."

"Good. Because I have a machine in my pocket that can detect spit."

"Really?"

"Yes, it looks like a phone, but it's not. It's a spit-detecting machine. Now, go get me my Coke."

"Okaaaaaaaaaay."

Some minutes later, she approaches me again.

"Hi, welcome to Red Robin, my name is Julie. What can I get you?"

"Are you smoking clown farts? This isn't Red Robin."

She laughs. "I know. I thought I could trick you."

My brain explodes.