If I Win At The Oscars, I Will Eat My Freakin' Award

"If I Win At The Oscars, I Will Eat My Freakin' Award"
by Mickey freakin' Rourke

AN EXCERPT:
Oh man, you hear what happened on Thursday? They're gonna give me a freakin' award. I swear to God, man, if I win, I swear I'll eat my award. Why? Because America wants me to.

Or maybe I want to.

I don't know. Sometimes, I think I'm America and sometimes, well, maybe I just got punched in the head a few too many times. I slow sometimes, you know?

'Cause remember when I left acting to become, like, a boxer? Oh man, good times then. I drank and fought. Or maybe I didn't drink. I don't know. I slow sometimes, you know?

I was offered a part in Pulp Fiction. Bruce Willis ended up taking it. You know why I turned it down?

No, seriously. That was a real question. Why would I have turned it down? Huh, maybe I'm just slow sometimes, you know?

Oh man, I am freakin' hungry. You got a live snake? Nah, I'm just kidding. I'm Mickey freakin' Rourke. I played Marv in Sin City. I'll eat your whole goddamn ostrich farm, if you got one. No? Ah well, that's ok. Why? Because I'm Mickey freakin' Rourke, and if I say that's ok, you're ok. Ok? Good man. Shit, what we got to drink in here anyway? Some cereal or something? I'm thirsty too.

Remember 9 1/2 Weeks? Oh man, that movie was so freakin' unreal. It was like...a documentary or something. I don't know, man. It was probably really hungry then. The movie, I mean. Or me. Sorry. I meant me. I was hungry like the movie am. Shit, this is getting harder, you know? Remember how I was a professional boxer for some years in the 90s? I think it hurt my head a little. Not a lot, but enough to, you know, make me all screwy. I slow sometimes, you know?

I swear to freakin' God, man, they give me an Oscar for The Wrestler, I'll freakin' eat it. No joke. I'm hungry, man. I'm hungry. Why? Because I'm Mickey freakin' Rourke, that's why.