365 Rules That I'm Making My Ex-Husband Guy Ritche Obey When He Has The Kids, Even Though I'm A Far Worse Parent

"365 Rules That I'm Making My Ex-Husband Guy Ritchie Obey When He Has The Kids, Even Though I'm A Far Worse Parent"

by Madonna

AN EXCERPT:

Rule 209: The kids must be reminded that America is evil every night. London is the best country.

Rule 210: No socks. They have gremlins.

Rule 211: There must be some form of Madonna mascot at every holiday recognized in every country. We're cultural and the Lady Madonna should be there, even if She is not.

Rule 212: Moscow will no longer be recognized as a city.

Rule 213: Any lotion used must be made from the spit of the worms from Dune. Yes, they are fictional. Figure out a way, Guy.

Rule 214: All of the Lady Madonna's gold records should be on display whenever any female guest is over. The Lady Madonna inspires all women everywhere.

Rule 215: Let the Lady Madonna's children have unibrows! The Lady Madonna will not accept society as a standard of any form!

Rule 216: No one will talk about the Lady Madonna's arms. Nobody! She wants them to look that way!

Rule 217: No more milk! It is the evil production of massive corporations!

Rule 218: The children must love the Yankees.

Rule 219: The Lady Madonna no longer acknowledges the number 220. It displeases Her.

Rule 221: The Lady Madonna changes her good mind. Milk is fine again.

Rule 222: If the kids ever love Guy Ritche more than the Lady Madonna, they should be replaced as children. Warn them. The Lady Madonna loves Her glory more than her children. They should be reminded that though She loves them, She will put them on the streets. Madonna giveth, Modonna taketh, Madonna wears gloves for every reason possible. Her hands are too brittle for this world. In the afterlife, She will be rewarded in hunky men dressed as diamond-encrusted demons, because even in the afterlife, the Lady Madonna is edgy. Edgier than God. Kaballah will protect the Lady Madonna against the Incredible Hulk. Actually, no, Marvel is not good enough for the Lady Madonna. It shall be Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe vs. the Lady Madonna. The Lady Madonna has a hard time defeating Baraka and Deathstroke simultaneously, but She will learn. The Lady Madonna invented video games.