Circus

"Circus"
by Britney Spears

AN EXCERPT:
I'm doing ok. Look, I'm thinner now. Doing great, making progress. I'm seriously fine. Yeah, I remember when I was chunky and crazy. But that was before. This is after. I only eat cheese grits now. Not cheese grits with onions and whipped cream. I only wear cowboy hats on weekends now. See? See how I'm doing better? I'm fine. Totally fine. Nope. No problems here. Some owls are in the attic, but isn't that like everyone's house? No, seriously, I'm not crazy anymore.

Yeah, I remember when I shaved my head. But there was a parasite eating my ears.

Yeah, I remember when I dented that car with an umbrella. But the car was a funny color and told me that I was supposed to kill my mama, and I love my mama!

Yeah, I remember when the theme of my wedding was pimps and hoes. But that's because I was drunk on cleaning supplies for nearly three years.

But that's behind me. Have you not seen my new record? It's called Circus. Just like this here book! Get it? Because my life is a circus! Pretty smart of me, huh? Ok, well, I didn't come up with it. But I would have if somebody let me do something with my life. Everyone's holding me back from being me. I could be a great artist if only someone would let me have a paintbrush. But they say it's too sharp for me.

They took my kids away because I fed one a tablespoon of knives. So what? Kid has to learn some time. I did. I learned what life was when I was 14 that time I snorted coke off of some dude's sweaty loins. I've been there. I've had hard times. But I'm better now. I lost my virginity to a circus clown who told me he was a cashier. I've been lied to all of my life. I've always lost it. But I have it now. I'm doing better. I'm doing great. I can do a back flip in my sleep now. See? An insane person couldn't do that. Right? Right.

I had a great day yesterday. The world was a funny color. But I did amazinifty! No scars, no bruises. The sun sang to me. I opened a car door, and no damage! I went to the grocery store in a tutu with boots and a hairnet made out of whistles. Doing fine. Bought some oranges. Doing spectacular. Cashier asked me why my shirt was on fire. I said, what shirt? She laughed and then called someone over. Apparently, I was wearing a shirt. And it was on fire. Then I cried because I thought of the circus clown that I thought once loved me as a cashier.

Damn. I miss my old life when I was a mouseketeer getting drunk every Friday night. I miss Justin. He at least thought I was decent. And I was decent back then. No, I was better than decent. Men wanted me. I was every boy's fantasy. But nobody wants to see their fantasy eat chocolate cake for breakfast and chain-smoke for lunch! I'm sorry I drank my dinner! Vodka, you'll always love me. Right? Right, old friend? Oh god, you won't leave me. No. You couldn't. You're not like the cameras. You need me more than I need you. Oh god, oh god, oh god. Keep it together. Ok, ok, ok, you're doing better. You're fan-freakin-tastic now. Go, go, go gadget love!

I can't stop crying. Froooooooooooom laughter! Teehee. My wounds are jellybeans!

Hi, I'm Britney. I don't think we've met. What are you into? Girls with disorders and issues? Man, you should meet this me I know. She'll love me. And you. That's what I meant. Oh god, I'm doing it again. Oh no, breathe, breathe, breathe. Let's start over. Shazam!

Chapter Eleventy: New Beginnings...

I made waffles today. Made 'em plenty good with healthy ol' maple syrup. Accidentally dropped my gum and a loose tooth in the batter. Speaking of batter, Kevin hit me once. Or, well, I was yelling so hard I fell down. Same thing. But I'm doing amazing now. Men treat me good. Men treat me like a woman. They buy me the chicken now. But I'm the bacon lady! Get it? Oh, we're having such a wonderful time, friend! Things are great. Comeback of the year, right? Love me. Please love me. Oh god, please love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me.