I Miss The Good Cameras, They Were So Good To Me

"I Miss The Good Cameras, They Were So Good To Me"
a memoir
by Lindsay Lohan
Photo from photogeek.tv

AN EXCERPT:
Did you see Mean Girls? Remember Mean Girls? Remember how many boys wanted me when Mean Girls came out? Remember how sane and normal and hot I was?

"Oh, it's that healthy cute redhead that parties here and there. We all love here," they would say.

Now all they say are things like...

"Oh, she's such a weirdo blonde lesbian that will never ever do anything better than flash the cameras again."

"She's just a few more rounds of heroin away from being Courtney Love."

"I might be into her if she got a body peel or two, but then she'd look like a dying unicorn."

I don't even know what that last one means!

Cry break!

Annnnnnnnnnd back!

I miss the cameras when they'd whisper, "You're so pretty, baby. You'll always have work." No. Nope. Not now. Instead, I spend time with my 30-something girlfriend that makes little to no-sense. I know, America! I know I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm trying! Ok? Jesus, just let me make my movies! And go see them. Please. Go see that awful movie where I'm fake pregnant. No, it's not Mean Girls, but it's kind of like it. Some of the girls are mean in it. And it's two words. I think it's called Labor Pains. I don't know. I was really drunk the whole time.

I know. I know I can make a movie. A good movie! Parent Trap 3: Caught In A Custody Battle! I'll be a hero! Kids in messy divorces will love me again! They'll understand that I can't do anything about the vodka in my cereal. Oh, the cramps are back. My body hurts. Why is everyone letting me do this? Has anyone seen my sister, the stripper, the breakdown?

I'm ready for my close-up now, Mr. Disney. Remember me before I loved the loins so rotten.

The sun never sets on Sunset Boulevard! Hmmm...maybe I should move there.

Hot doggie, where's the nearest cave?

No, I suppose they don't mind me being thin and blonde there. I look good in those pictures as a baby, don't I? All smiles. No bikini shots. No transparent shirt. No DJ humping. I just want the attention of those that'll really love me.

This isn't mean to be funny. This is meant to be artistic, beautiful annnnnd spectacular! I wanna be a star again! Why won't you let me dance again, God? I'm crying as I write this. I hope you're happy, Hollywood. I hope you drown me or you, America.

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. The red hair is killing me. It makes my face itch.