Shoplifting Stuff Inside Your Butt

"Shoplifting Stuff Inside Your Butt"
by Kim Kardashian

AN EXCERPT:
Christmas is expensive. Birthdays are expensive. Valentine's Day is expensive. Mother's Day, Father's Day, the Easter Bunny's birthday, Best Friends Unite Day, Kooky Fun Hat Day, Midwestern Appreciation Day...the list goes on. There are always reasons to buy gifts!

But let's say you're not rich for no reason like me. Let's say that nobody wants to buy your sex tape and your family doesn't sleep on bags of money and butlers holding up your mattress. There's no maid that will clean up wherever you decide to pee and there's no champagne in your bathroom (if you could even call that a bathroom! Giggle squat!). You have no film crew boys constantly asking for an old glimpsy whimpsy of your romping rump and Paris Hilton doesn't do mounds of blow in your guest room. Your life just isn't as hard as mine. Let's put it that way.

So you earn all of this money from some job as a waitress, a doctor or a pig farmer...or like...a guy who...I don't know...somehow knows Barack Obama and you want to buy gifts. But no money! Oh no! What should I do? Well, I sold exercise videos. But you can't do that. I did that already. Keep reading though! I tell you what to do next! Wheeeeeeeeee!

You steal. "Thank you, Miss Kim Kardashian! We're sorry for calling you fat sometimes!" you all say. And I say, "Ok! Let's be friends! Steal! Usiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing your butt! Haha! Crazy, I know, right?"

What you need to do know is eat cupcakes. Get big. Let the world know you're thick. Then work off everything else but your "lady." You want your fat lady singing to start the show, not end it. Keep it a little bigger than it used to be. Then you can keep it fat and everyone will just think you've got a big butt. But you don't! You have a shopping cart in those panties! Giggle!

Then, you go to the store and you start putting things up your "goofball" and now you have free stuff! Nobody will ever know!

"Oh, look at that butt," they'll say. Oh, you mean the X-Men DVD, bag of ice cream sprinkles and entire subscription of O Magazine! Haha! Joke's on you world. I've got things in my butt! And ideas! Whenever I'm having a bad day, I just put all of my bad thoughts inside my butt with my tarot cards and bird and then I have a wooooooooonderful day!

You'll always be surprised what you find up there months later!

I once pooped out a Grammy, and I don't even make music! Teehee!